"I Just Don't Think I Can Do It."

Here's an old post that I wrote on a long-forgotten xanga account a few months ago, but I thought it had enough relevance to repost here. Very quickly in your first year as an actor, there will come a time where you think "What the heck am I doing here?" I asked myself that question last March, and this is what I came up with:

I guess what it all comes down to is, if I could go back in time, would I move out here again?

The decision to move to California is without a doubt the biggest and scariest thing I've ever done with my life. I left behind a girlfriend that I loved, friends who had my back, and a family who shaped me into the person that I am today. Essentially, I destroyed my old life to start a new one in a city where thousands of people are clawing over each other, trying to do the exact same thing I am. The odds of me failing miserably are almost certain. So if I could go back, would I change anything?

Nope.

What I realize is that failure is never the end. In fact, the only way to succeed is by failing. Even though there are plenty of times where I sit around my cramped apartment with next to no income, worrying about how long my savings are going to last, obsessively puzzling about how to break into an industry that is as airtight as Alcatraz, missing people from home, at the same time I realize that I'M DOING IT! THIS IS WHAT IT'S ALL ABOUT.

To chase a dream is to fail and fail and fail and fail and fail and maybe one day succeed. And yet, this is the conflict that makes life worth living. If I had kept my old life, I would have gone absolutely crazy. I would have asked myself every day, "How might things have turned out if I'd been braver?" Nothing's wrong with settling down, but (for me anyway) settling down is something I have to EARN. It's a nice, well-deserved rest after a bitter struggle for my own destiny. 

And what an exciting struggle! I've been in music videos, TV shows, Shakespearean plays, a short play WRITTEN BY ME, a PSA, and indie short films! I've met nationally renowned casting directors and I've met lowly homeless people, dying of AIDS and wanting somebody to talk to. In a way, success and failure is irrelevant. What it's really all about is making the ride as wild as you can. As nice as the merry-go-round is, you're inevitably gonna wanna graduate to a roller-coaster. (Even if sometimes you're so scared that you nearly crap yourself.) And that's what I'm doing. 

Another nice thing about failure: They make the successes that much sweeter. Case in point: AS I WAS WRITING THIS, I got an unexpected phone call that opened yet another little window of opportunity for my fledgling artistic career. It's like getting hit with a lightning bolt made of candy! 

Be wise, be fearless, and never lose faith. You can ALWAYS push through until tomorrow.